BIBLICAL PEOPLE SKILLS

Proverbs 28:23 NKJV 

23 He who rebukes a man will find more favor afterward 

Than he who flatters with the tongue. 

Here is another bit of cultural counterintuitive wisdom from the book of Proverbs. We love to think that we are so advanced as a culture. But notice we are still having the same problems that people have experienced for thousands of years. Culture changes, human nature does not. 

Solomon, the author of the book of Proverbs, was not a fan of flattery. And because Solomon was writing under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, we can assume that God is not a fan of flattery either. The reason is simple. Flattery is a form of deception. A person who flatters is using positive words for their own benefit. Under the guise of building someone up, they are actually setting someone up. The flatterer has an ulterior motive that works to their advantage. The person who flatters has an end game in mind, and that end game is a game that they win. 

Contrast the person who flatters with the person who gives a rebuke. A rebuke is a strong correction. But the intent of a rebuke is to benefit the one receiving the correction. Because virtually no one enjoys being corrected, a rebuke is in reality, an act of genuine love. A rebuke requires honesty and a certain level of courage. People who only want to please other people are not the ones giving out rebukes. 

One of the objections we have toward a rebuke is we associate the rebuke with rejection or with hate. Both assumptions are incorrect. Jesus rebuked His disciples, and we know that He never walked out of love. He gave His life for those He rebuked, so He is the epitome of divine love. Our challenge is learning to adopt and regard God's ways instead of the ways of man. We tend to think that if you love me, you will always affirm me. God's ways say that love rejoices in the truth, not in the ways that are detrimental to someone. 

Good parenting requires affection and affirmation. But good parenting also requires correction. The same principle applies to good relationships. It can't be all flowers and rainbows. There has got to be some rain with the rainbows. 

Please keep in mind that rebukes need to be given in the right spirit. All of us know people who feel it is their calling in life to correct everyone around them. The scriptures talk about handling correction in a spirit of gentleness and speaking the truth in love (Galatians 6:1 and Ephesians 4:15). So, remember, the tougher the truth, the more love is needed. 

And here is the end result. The person who corrects, when it's all said and done, is going to find more favor, more goodwill, than the one who flatters. 

APPLICATION 

This is one of those verses that we can't take and run with. We can't go around being the kings of correction and use this verse to back up our actions. If we are looking for a good reason to rebuke people, we are already operating in the wrong spirit. James 1:19 tells us to be quick to hear and slow to speak. Gauge the relationship. Do we have voice with this person? Are they willing to listen? What is the age difference? The scriptures warn about rebuking an older person. So, we always have to use wisdom. Most of our relatives are not open to our rebukes. 

But don't flatter, either. If we can't say something in love and truth, then say nothing at all.